16 October 2006
On Mush Mode
A good friend asked me to help her put together a wedding photo collage. I’ve been downloading tons of wedding photos last week and seeing all those poignant photos of couples getting married made me think of love and commitment. Yes, mushy stuff that I don’t normally bother thinking of, or block from my mind.
While I was looking at photos, I declared that I wanted to pose for wedding photos, just pose. Look for a handsome groom just for the sake of taking photos and looking pretty in a white gown and a veil. I was kidding, of course. But as the day came to an end, another Friday night walking home alone, I started thinking seriously about love.
My friends were actually surprised at my statement when we got together later that night. I finally admitted that I wanted to be in love. Not just fall but BE. I’ve never actually verbalized this love business. I’ve always exuded the “I don’t care, I’m not bothered, I can wait” attitude towards love.
But now more than ever, I feel the need for it, for that one person I can finally see as my “true love.” Someone other than my family or girl friends who can make me happy, who I can just be myself without being judged.
My recent miserable attempt at some semblance of falling for someone was disastrous. Thank goodness it didn’t progress further or I would have ended up being even more troubled and hurt. It stopped at disappointing and sad. That’s all I’ll take from that one.
I hate this phase. I see couples everywhere and I feel nostalgic. I suddenly want to go on the “active search for THE ONE” ride again, go on dates. But just thinking about it gives me a headache. All the effort put into going out with one person after another, putting up an idealized version of myself. It’s all too tiring.
Maybe this is my clock ticking again. I’m turning a new leaf soon. My quarter life mark has already expired almost two years ago. Yet I still feel like I’m on perpetual quarter life crisis mode.
Orange Git at 2:18 PM
