07 September 2006
Frustrations
Whining time...I dreamt of him this morning. It was a very light, nonsense dream of us just being us, hanging out as always. But why does he have to show up in my dreams? When I'm trying so hard to get him out of my system. The cosmos seems to be conspiring against me. Tempting me to keep him in my consciousness even when there's nothing to hope for. I wish I can just make him disappear for a while, to clear my many demons. One thing to describe this whole thing with him, disappointing. And I detest being disappointed above all.
An old friend whose presence I've always found comforting now drives me crazy. It's mean, but I look forward to the days when I don't talk to her. Talk seems so superficial, so shallow. Is this all that we can talk about? Her "so-called" problems? She's my friend, we've been through a lot, experienced so much together. So why do I think this way now?
I probably need time away from work. To use my friend's favorite sentence, "My mind is on vacation mode." But it's not on vacation mode. It's on lazy and exasperated mode. I've been thinking a lot about moving on but taking the first step, for some reason, seems so hard. I've been quite lost for a few years. Time to shape up and act like a responsible adult.
The only highlight to my day is when i get home and I have my old trusted friends to talk to, to de-stress, de-office. I've neglected them recently. Exchanged their always present company for someone I thought would break the monotony of my so-called independent life. I know I've let them down, probably even disappointed them. I can't take it back. And I can't promise that I'll do better next time. I don't want to let them down again with empty promises. But like the good friends that they are, they welcomed me back, slightly changed and even more jaded. I'm ever greatful for the countless times they've brought me back to me.
This year, so far, has been quite a ride. I thought it would be uneventful, usual, boring. It's turning out to be quite the opposite.
Orange Git at 12:04 PM
