I've been in an emotional and mental black hole and I want to get out of it. Why does this seem to happen to me around this time of the year? I hope this is not a yearly thing or i might wither and die in year 2010.

Last year's holiday depression was pretty bad. Of course no one saw it because as ever, I wallow in solitude. Is it going to be the same this year? At the rate I'm going, I think so.

Ceia told me three months ago as she was reading my cards that maybe I'm directing my energies to something I can control, something I can influence instead of the reality that I have to face in my life, which is essentially to move on. That i'm creating distractions to prevent me from realizing that I have to find a "grown up" life. The distractions are taking their own form and I feel like I'm holding on to nothing. My only solace right now is Ceia's blog entry.

Now enough with this shit. I need to fix my life! Like YESTERDAY!! I've been distracting myself for three months. It's funny that now I need to be distracted from the distraction. Crap.

I need all the positive thoughts and energy of the people around me, since somehow thinking positive for myself doesn't seem to work. It sure works when directed towards other people. But it can never seem to work on me. I must now direct my energies into something that will be more productive, something more tangible, something that is generally rewarding. It's me time.