26 March 2007

Boracay For The Third Time

The sand, the surf... I'll never get tired of it. I miss the beach. And why wouldn't you miss it when it's this beautiful?

Fixing photos, fixing my head too. It's still full of water and sand. Will post more when I've de-beached.

Orange Git at 12:08 PM


16 March 2007

Letting go

Just because you ask me doesn't mean I'm going to jump. A few months ago, I would have been at your beck and call. Actually, I was.

But I've gone through a fairly long detoxification and self-therapy. I can say no now. I can think twice before I say yes now. I can think of the implications of my actions now. And it feels great!

Orange Git at 5:53 PM


13 March 2007

Out of Whack

Everything's out of whack, myself mostly. I think my previous blogs have pretty much set the tone of this blog. I still don't see any light at the end of this very long tunnel. Maybe a glimmer, but it's still blurry.

I woke up this morning and I really thought it was Saturday. B peeped in my room, woke me up (thank God otherwise I would have slept on) and asked me if I’m awake and I asked her if they’re going home to the province. Maybe the fact that I slept at 9pm and woke up at 4am put me in a Twilight Zone of sorts. I did my usual slow routine of getting ready for work. These days, it's not just getting ready physically, it's armoring myself emotionally, conditioning myself that I must go. I was getting dressed and listening to Rain's CD then for some reason, I started crying. It wouldn't stop. I was hit with nostalgia (work related mostly), hit very badly. I'm really generally sad these days. It's the little happy moments that make me smile and get thru the day.

A few breaks (shall I say episodes) from the usual slump...

Hangad's concert. An excuse to go back to school, reminisce, re-evaluate and pray for guidance. T's continues to wow me. Never fails everytime. She's like fine wine, getting better with age, or with experience in this case. Naks! Cei taught me to explore my camera's manual settings. I'm excited to try it on everything especially with the upcoming beach trip next week.

Had my first job interview in 4 years. This is my first grand step towards moving on. I think it went well but I couldn't read the person who interviewed me. The experience gave me such a rush but I don't want to be too happy and expect anything. Taking it one step at a time, if there is any step two to come. I realized I wasn't really comfortable answering questions like what are your strengths, how do you see yourself 3 or 5 years from now? I was cringing in my seat.

Job interviews are like dates. You attempt to make an idealized version of yourself, dress really well, try to have the perfect hair day (not just good hair day mind you). During the interview, you even doubt if what you're saying is true or just pure BS. And looking back, you think of the numerous things that you could have included, or could have said better. And after the experience, you're left to think if they'll call. Even if you want to call, you don't want to appear too eager and in your face. And if you never get a call back, you're left to think of what you did wrong. If you do get a call back, there's this giddy rush but then you step back and think where this is going and if you really want what you're getting into. I rest my case.

And an up to the minute update, they did call. Step two is on Friday. Golly... need to sort out my priorities for real now.

Next week is beach week. I'm excited. It's a chance to get out of the city, detach and just chill. Forget about the big city problems for 3 days and just enjoy the sun. I soo need this break.

Orange Git at 1:10 PM


02 March 2007

Written at 3AM

I don’t want to sleep. I fear what the next day will bring. Shall it bring another death, another fit, another unresolved issue, another friend leaving, a sudden misunderstanding that will stretch for days? I feel so burdened with everything that I fear I might break soon.

I smile, I’m normal. I show them what they want to see. A fairly happy version of me, to appease all. Nothing’s wrong. That’s what I’d like them to believe. I'd rather wallow than spend my whole time explaining why everything's so low.

My body’s telling me to rest and call it a day. But my brain refuses to follow. It relishes the silence of nighttime, when nothing matters, when you are not judged for what you do or do not do. When you are just left with you. I wish the whole day can be nighttime.

Orange Git at 1:01 PM