25 May 2008
To be or not to be...
There has been a recurring, and I can say quite annoying, issue that has been violating my peace these days.. the matter of being alone, being SINGLE as it is commonly referred to. I have been called many things recently due to this.. snob, loner, weird, unhappy, immature and the big S.. yes, I was called a spinster.Frankly, I've never been bothered by it. Those who really know me are comfortable with the fact that I thrive in being alone. That I am unpretentious when I say that I am happy when I'm alone. I enjoy it. Sometimes I even find other people's presence intrusive and feel that they are depriving me of my precious alone time. This may seem strange to those who cannot imagine even spending a few hours alone, but to me.. it's fun.
But when you are bombarded with questions on being a singleton and you have to defend your reasons for being in this state, you can't help be a little bit bruised and insecure. Some recent scathing incidents..
An uncle trying to matchmake me with some random guy that his wife probably knows from working overseas. It is just normal to pry and ask about the identity of this person I'm supposed to try to get along with.. What I get in response from my uncle is that this is what I get for being picky, ending up alone at such a late age. He then proceeds to criticize my life.. how unhappy I must be that I'm alone, that I should be bothered that I don't have someone and that I'm not getting any younger. I try to tell him that I am happy and that my happiness is not dependent on another human being but how can you convince someone set in his own ways.
Another incident... I was chatting with my cousin who has her own family now. Tables have turned and my superiority in age has given way to her wealth of "experience" in family matters. She asks about my friends and finds out that most of them are unattached too. She calls me a spinster. I let it go. She pushes me and insists that I should find someone to marry, as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do.. and to my utter shock, adds that it would give direction and accomplishment to my life. I wanted to scream at her. She should consider herself lucky that she's miles and miles away from me at that moment.
What I really wanted to tell both of them was, happiness and accomplishment is relative. Accomplishment to them might be having their own family.. to me it's having a fulfilling job, indulge in travel, good food, good buys and still have some saved. But I don't think they'll get it with their pea sized brains.
Then yesterday, I made the effort to dress up, commute to somewhere far just to meet a friend who I haven't seen lately. She always travels with her other half. Normally I wouldn't mind. But when you're not even out of the house for 2 hours, in the middle of a meal that you didn't even want to have since you were full but your friend insisted because she was hungry, only to be told that she's not even eating since they have to leave in a few minutes and leave you alone wandering out on a Saturday night.. It will annoy you. So I was unexpectedly left alone, my craving for Krispy Kreme replaced with a bitter taste of annoyance. I head home and console myself by watching The Graduate, which I surprisingly discover that I've never seen before in its entirety... but I digress. This would be fine on a normal day but when you expect to have company for the whole night, make the effort to go out when you could have been peacefully at home then suddenly find yourself alone again.. you end up wondering what to do and feel a little bit lonely.
So I was left to think.. am I ready to give this up. I know how I can get when there is someone, the level of attention that I devote to one person. It's not that I don't want to have this "ideal" someone. In fact I can't wait for it to happen. But I feel that I have so much to give up when it does come. This has been my life for more than 20 years and allowing someone to come into it will completely change the dynamics. That's why it's never just a matter of finding someone to be with.. it's discovering someone and loving them enough to give up something that I love and that is part of my identity... being alone.
Orange Git at 11:37 PM
