13 February 2008

Here Again

Haven't been here in a while.. blogging again.. good or bad?

It's the end of Day 4 detox. It's hard. It's extremely painful.
There are blank moments where I can't think of what to do next, space out and momentarily wallow before I realize that people are actually around me..
Moments where I want to strap my arms and legs on to something to restrain me from reaching out..
Moments when it's difficult to breathe when I find out something heartbreaking or when I long to relapse..
Extremely sad moments when tears won't stop flowing.

If I relapse, I'll be in trouble. Because there will never be a bright light in this dark tunnel. But I am fighting. I'm rebuilding the wall little by little however heavy the bricks are. I'm tired of being vulnerable.. of free-falling without anyone to catch me. Life goes on. I can do this. I'm trying to smile a little bit more everyday.

I don't think my poor inexperienced heart can take another beating. It needs to go on an extended vacation and only go back in business for something worthwhile, something that will be tangible and defined.. not for any temporary distractions that are bound to fail again and again.

Taking the big leap sure is exhilarating but not without consequences. The bruises and injuries may be irreparable if you don't land gracefully.

Orange Git at 11:17 AM