25 May 2008

To be or not to be...

There has been a recurring, and I can say quite annoying, issue that has been violating my peace these days.. the matter of being alone, being SINGLE as it is commonly referred to. I have been called many things recently due to this.. snob, loner, weird, unhappy, immature and the big S.. yes, I was called a spinster.

Frankly, I've never been bothered by it. Those who really know me are comfortable with the fact that I thrive in being alone. That I am unpretentious when I say that I am happy when I'm alone. I enjoy it. Sometimes I even find other people's presence intrusive and feel that they are depriving me of my precious alone time. This may seem strange to those who cannot imagine even spending a few hours alone, but to me.. it's fun.

But when you are bombarded with questions on being a singleton and you have to defend your reasons for being in this state, you can't help be a little bit bruised and insecure. Some recent scathing incidents..

An uncle trying to matchmake me with some random guy that his wife probably knows from working overseas. It is just normal to pry and ask about the identity of this person I'm supposed to try to get along with.. What I get in response from my uncle is that this is what I get for being picky, ending up alone at such a late age. He then proceeds to criticize my life.. how unhappy I must be that I'm alone, that I should be bothered that I don't have someone and that I'm not getting any younger. I try to tell him that I am happy and that my happiness is not dependent on another human being but how can you convince someone set in his own ways.

Another incident... I was chatting with my cousin who has her own family now. Tables have turned and my superiority in age has given way to her wealth of "experience" in family matters. She asks about my friends and finds out that most of them are unattached too. She calls me a spinster. I let it go. She pushes me and insists that I should find someone to marry, as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do.. and to my utter shock, adds that it would give direction and accomplishment to my life. I wanted to scream at her. She should consider herself lucky that she's miles and miles away from me at that moment.

What I really wanted to tell both of them was, happiness and accomplishment is relative. Accomplishment to them might be having their own family.. to me it's having a fulfilling job, indulge in travel, good food, good buys and still have some saved. But I don't think they'll get it with their pea sized brains.

Then yesterday, I made the effort to dress up, commute to somewhere far just to meet a friend who I haven't seen lately. She always travels with her other half. Normally I wouldn't mind. But when you're not even out of the house for 2 hours, in the middle of a meal that you didn't even want to have since you were full but your friend insisted because she was hungry, only to be told that she's not even eating since they have to leave in a few minutes and leave you alone wandering out on a Saturday night.. It will annoy you. So I was unexpectedly left alone, my craving for Krispy Kreme replaced with a bitter taste of annoyance. I head home and console myself by watching The Graduate, which I surprisingly discover that I've never seen before in its entirety... but I digress. This would be fine on a normal day but when you expect to have company for the whole night, make the effort to go out when you could have been peacefully at home then suddenly find yourself alone again.. you end up wondering what to do and feel a little bit lonely.

So I was left to think.. am I ready to give this up. I know how I can get when there is someone, the level of attention that I devote to one person. It's not that I don't want to have this "ideal" someone. In fact I can't wait for it to happen. But I feel that I have so much to give up when it does come. This has been my life for more than 20 years and allowing someone to come into it will completely change the dynamics. That's why it's never just a matter of finding someone to be with.. it's discovering someone and loving them enough to give up something that I love and that is part of my identity... being alone.

Orange Git at 11:37 PM


13 February 2008

Here Again

Haven't been here in a while.. blogging again.. good or bad?

It's the end of Day 4 detox. It's hard. It's extremely painful.
There are blank moments where I can't think of what to do next, space out and momentarily wallow before I realize that people are actually around me..
Moments where I want to strap my arms and legs on to something to restrain me from reaching out..
Moments when it's difficult to breathe when I find out something heartbreaking or when I long to relapse..
Extremely sad moments when tears won't stop flowing.

If I relapse, I'll be in trouble. Because there will never be a bright light in this dark tunnel. But I am fighting. I'm rebuilding the wall little by little however heavy the bricks are. I'm tired of being vulnerable.. of free-falling without anyone to catch me. Life goes on. I can do this. I'm trying to smile a little bit more everyday.

I don't think my poor inexperienced heart can take another beating. It needs to go on an extended vacation and only go back in business for something worthwhile, something that will be tangible and defined.. not for any temporary distractions that are bound to fail again and again.

Taking the big leap sure is exhilarating but not without consequences. The bruises and injuries may be irreparable if you don't land gracefully.

Orange Git at 11:17 AM


19 November 2007

down.. down.. down..

2007 has been mean to me, extremely mean.

I can't recall any year where I've been so depressed and sad a lot. My tear ducts have been working overtime. There are highs, lots of highs.. but there were more lows... much much more outweighing the good moments.

And now this.
I went into it, not hoping for anything. But when you get through a certain level, you start to wonder... maybe it is for you. Maybe this is the lucky break you've been waiting for. Maybe, maybe... But then... maybe not.

Failing is harsh. I've been through very few failures in my entire short life. Maybe that's why it's so tough and emotionally draining. I'm disoriented. I know how to start over again but now I'm even more petrified to take another step forward because I feel so insecure, mediocre and undesirable.

There must be something else out there for me. That's what I've been telling myself over and over again. But where is it? I'm starting to think I'm just aimlessly floating.

Orange Git at 2:11 PM


13 November 2007

Of course i'm ok

My life is in limbo. Of course I'm ok.

This week is one big waiting game. Of course I'm ok.

I might not get through. Of course I'm ok.

You're out with someone now. Of course I'm ok.

I'm insomniac again. Of course I'm ok.

I dread what tomorrow will bring. Of course I'm ok.

Tang ina! I'm ok!!!!!

Orange Git at 2:07 AM


08 November 2007

Net Freak

When I go online, I...

log on to Yahoo Messenger, even if there's no one to talk to I'm there
check Gmail, keep the window open for Gtalk and any incoming emails
check Yahoo mail
check Statcounter statistics... self-confessed stalker!
check Multiply posts of friends, comment, write and post occasionally, pirate music ;)
log on to Facebook, my new toy... ang kulit kulit!
occasionally log on to Friendster and check messages, Friendster is so last season
go to Google reader, read new posts from my 49 feeds and keep coming back for new feeds

Now tell me, when do I possibly come up for air after all of this? A day without net access and I feel so out of touch. I'm a freak. Oh yes I am.

Orange Git at 2:48 PM


07 November 2007

The madness has begun

Starbucks is pure evil!

I told Zy yesterday when I dragged her to Starbucks to check out the 2008 Planner that whatever happens, she shouldn't let me buy coffee. I've had three cups of strong coffee already and I wasn't having another one. I was so very tempted to buy a cup when I saw the new planner. But I was able to restrain myself and postpone my coffee fix till the next day.

And so here we are again. November 07, day 2 of the Starbucks Holiday Promo. This will be my third Starbucks planner and in my opinion, this year's release is the best of them all. I love the soft leather cover and it is considerably less bulky than last year's planner.

However, I have a few complaints. First, the planner includes a pencil and not a pen which I won't use and would probably loose eventually. Second, 24 stamps. 24 stamps!!! 21 was hard enough! Third, you can't ask your friends for their unstamped receipts. No card upon purchase of the coffee, useless receipt. Unfair capitalist schmucks! And I considered working for them sometime ago. Tsk.

But no matter how much I rant and complain, I still fall for it over and over again. I had my first stamp today and bought the Praline Mocha hot drink. Nothing special there, I couldn't taste the praline. It tasted like their regular mocha drink. I'll stick to the Toffee Nut Latte next time.

So 24 stamps... 3 a week, I'll have the planner by New Year's... 4 a week and i'll have it two weeks earlier. Starbucks sure knows how to torture consumers with low EQ like me. So till I get the planner, the stamp card is my most prized possession. Pure madness.

Orange Git at 4:30 PM


31 October 2007

Natural Highs

I got this from Teen. It made me smile too. Before we go off for the extremely long weekend, a few natural highs to smile about.

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one...
It does make you feel good, especially the thought at the end.

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake.. (or vanilla or strawberry!)

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach (Bora here we come!)

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter. (or even 20 pesos)

17. Laughing at yourself.

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke.

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. (I love this.)

27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

29. Playing with a new puppy.

30. Having someone play with your hair.

31. Sweet dreams.

32. Hot chocolate.

33. Road trips with friends

34. Swinging on swings.

35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

36. Making chocolate chip cookies.

37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies

38. Holding hands with someone you care about.

39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.

41. Watching the sunrise.

42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

43. Knowing that somebody misses you.

44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Now wasn’t that nice? :D

Orange Git at 3:05 PM


26 October 2007

Tonight I Write The Saddest Lines

Lines... lines... lines...
Some random lines I found on my friends' sites or wherever.

The worst feeling isn't being lonely.
It's being forgotten by someone you could never forget.

Grey's wisdom...

know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Orange Git at 7:08 PM


25 October 2007

Mulitply It!

Glorietta has been poisoned for me. I think what scares me the most is the fact that my parents were a few feet from the explosion last Friday. So despite having really bad window shopping urges, I am staying away until it doesn't bother me to go there anymore.

My mom told me that finally I can stop shopping... Oh how wrong she was. I've discovered a new shopping haven and I don't have to go to the mall. Enter Multiply. I was floored at the amount of stuff on sale online. From accessories, clothes, shoes, bags, gadgets, condo units even... I've spent whole afternoons just browsing multiply sites and I still haven't seen all of them. It's evil.. Pure evil.

To date, I've only officially bought one item which were my gold jelly flats. But I have also ordered accessories (as gifts, promise) and a bag. I've placed an order for something I can give for Christmas but haven't heard from the owner yet. I've done countless inquiries and I'm still contemplating if I should get the other items I checked out. Seriously, I never thought "yes, it's still available" could be such a devilish statement.

Orange Git at 12:30 AM


10 October 2007

Shamelessly Plaigarizing

I went to postsecret.blogspot.com and saw this really sad postcard.
No puedo olvidar la pequeña sirena quien me canto tan dulcemente.
Eres un fantasma hermosa que vive en las ruinas de mi corazon quebrado.
The last line goes...
You are a beautiful fantasy that lives in the ruins of my broken heart.

Yes, you are.

Orange Git at 7:40 PM